Chapter 1 - There's A Condom Thingy On My BOOK

They year was 1984. David Lee Roth was belting out "Jump" on KWOD 106 FM and The Karate Kid was waxing on and waxing off on the big screen. Vans, Izods, 501s, Purple Eye Shadow and the Preppy Handbook were all the rage. I was in 7th grade, was class secretary and had a very preppy wardrobe with lots of pink and grey. I even had a skinny Billy Joel tie that I proudly wore with a sweater vest and white shirt with tails hanging out. Converse high tops were THE fashion statement and mine were red. Friday nights were spent at King Skate wishing I was Sherri Roush...the one who all the boys picked to couples skate with, the one with gleaming white leather skates and purple wheels. Sherri was the gold standard that chubby girls who developed really early measured themselves on. She had natural highlights, perfectly cut Guess Jeans, high cheekbones and perfect teeth. All the boys were crazy about Sherri. We could only hope that those who were shot down would turn their attention on one of us.

Part of Junior High education in California was for each 7th grader to take a Life Science class. Mine was 3rd period with Mr. Chapman. He was the kind of awesome teacher that you remember even if you don't remember a single thing he taught you. Everyone wanted to have Mr. Chapman for science. He was like sooooo tubular fer sure and rad to the MAX. My life was pretty happy in 7th grade. I had long and meaningful 4 week relationships with 3 different boys by then. My binder sported Amy "hearts" Mike V. (crossed out) Greg (crossed out) Jeff (crossed out) and Chris (currently not crossed out and written out in bubble letters). I had the BIGGEST crush on Chris, a boy from my church youth group. Oh, how I loved Chris. But, as things tend to go when you are 13, he loved my friend Liz way more than me. He asked me to "go with him" at our church's winter retreat and I don't think I had ever been that estactically happy in my life. He bought me a ring from Avon for Christmas and I got him a teddy bear. But Chris must have sensed how desperately I loved him and wanted to hang on to him because he wasn't very nice to me, he toyed with my affection all too often and completely ignored me if Liz was anywhere in the vicinity. My best friend in the world was Gretchen Brown. We met in Social Science and would stay best friends all through Junior High and High School. She was my Maid of Honor at my wedding. We drifted apart although we still keep in touch. I don't think I've ever had or will have a best friend as close to me and who I loved more than Gretchen. I know there's never been anyone like her since.

Back to Life Science class. We were seated at tables of six, arranged by our last names. Mine was Oliver. So I was with the M's, N' and O's. I don't remember who else was at my table except for this small, smart boy who sat across from me named Mike Meeker. Mike was the kind of kid that was quiet, smart, short and who a girl like me with Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker perfectly applied and bubble gum chosen each day to precisely match my outfit would never ever notice. I didn't know if he was nice, or funny or that he would someday become the greatest father to 2 lucky little girls. I didn't know that he was my soul mate and my best friend and the person on whom I would rest my heart, my eternal happiness and the safety and well being of my children. For now, he was a nerdish boy, who went unnoticed by yours truly...the lipgloss, preppy, loud, funny, bossy, lover of all things Chris.

In the Spring, it came time for the Life Science unit on Sex Education. California figured we were all going through puberty and we better know some basic stuff or we could really screw up our pimply hormonal selves and they didn't want the blame. I know those of you who grew up in other states probably think this is horrible but it's just how California rolls. It's a NO FAULT state and California wanted NO blame for any of our hormonal blunders so to speak. So we all had to go through Life Science in the Spring of our 7th grade year.

Mr. Chapman handled this subject in his normal cool, Hawaiian shirt wearing ways. He was funny without being inappropriate and made it all seem light and not so serious or taboo. The final day of the unit was devoted to birth control methods and Mr. Chapman brought some visual aides. He taught us the only full proof method was abstinence and encouraged us to follow that route. However he was not naive enough to think most would do that so he came prepared with what a pack of birth control pills looked like, what a diaphram was, what an IUD looked like and was and finally a condom. This was in the days before the HIV-AIDS scare so condoms were just another birth control method that was presented along with everything else.

He showed what each of these things looked like. When he got to the condom, he explained, via banana how it worked. To demonstrate it's stretch he shot it across the room like a rubber band. Guess where it landed? In MY open Life Science book AFTER bouncing off my forehead. The class chuckled softly. Except for one boy. One boy in the class started laughing hysterically. He was shaking with laughter and fell out of his chair on the floor with uncontrolled laughter. I guess it was because he had the best seat in the house to witness my humiliation. The seat right across from me at the table. That's right, Mike Meeker is the only thing I remember about this most embarrassing moment. I remember the condom in my book, my faced flushed and my heart racing, my hands sweaty and Mike Meeker on the floor shaking with hysterics.

I decided not to like that kid from that point on. And as you'll discover, I didn't.