Chapter 12: Life Can Change In 3 Short Days

The weekend in Colorado was magical. Even when I think about it now, it's in soft focus and the sun is so bright it hurts the eyelids of my memory. I have snap shots in my head of that three days. In them I am smiling bigger than I ever had. In them I am more sad than I ever had been. In them, I am a different girl, but so much the same. This weekend in Colorado, it changed my whole life.



We attended an Air Force Academy football game. The cadets sit together in the student section. Mike's parents decided to drive up to Denver in the morning so I was on my own for the big game. I sat in the family section and was "adopted" by several Air Force Academy parents. They knew I was visiting my "boyfriend" and he was a Freshman. It seems such a little word, "boyfriend", to describe what I was feeling. I felt like Deborah Winger in An Officer And A Gentleman except I wasn't stuck in a dead end job or hoping someone would rescue me. For anyone that has ever been to a game at the Academy, you know it's tradition for the Freshman cadets to come down on the field and do push ups for every point on the Academy scoreboard each and every time the home team scores. It was a good day for the Air Force. They scored over 50 points so I got to see those poor Freshman do push ups a lot. And each time, there was Mike doing push ups so fast it made my arms tired just to watch. And after he was done, always after, he would blow me a big huge kiss. He didn't care who saw him or that he looked like a fool and I cared nothing for the good natured ribbing I received from my new friends in the stands. I had my own personal cadet and he was mine for three whole days and I loved him so much my heart was actually pounding. I didn't want to waist a minute.

After the game, his parents picked us up and we went on a tour of the campus. I remember being overwhelmed by it all. I thought about how he would be there for four years. When I added two years to serve a mission for his church, I knew I would need to commit to visiting Colorado Springs for the next six years. And that I would have to take the little bits of time and freedom he had. I remember looking up at the wall in which the honor code is carved in gigantic letters. "We will not lie, cheat or steal; nor tolerate any among us who do." I wasn't sure I could live by that code. Would he still tolerate me? I saw the out of commission fighter jets displayed all over the campus. I saw how serious the cadets were about being cadets. I realized that Mike was committed to something much larger than I had realized. I began to understand that he might not have much room in his life for a girlfriend. I pushed it out of my mind. I would not waste our time together focusing on why this wasn't ever going to work.

We went to pizza and he spent the evenings hanging out and watching movies in my hotel room. Our behavior was G rated...well maybe PG at the most. It was here that I also realized that Mike was serious about his faith and his commitment to his values. I had dated Mormon boys before. Several of them in fact. Some were great examples and some were not. Mike was one of the good ones. We talked for hours about our dreams and about how much we wanted for our lives. I wanted Mike to know that I wanted to be a journalist and a writer. It was important to me that he understood I was not like I imagined the Mormon girls he had known were like, those who wanted to tend hearth and home. It wasn't that I didn't want a family someday, I did. I just wanted him to know I planned to have it all. The big career, the successful family, the wealth and fame that came with all of it. He was just as excited for me as I was. He talked passionately about his desire to be a fighter pilot and how he was so sure it was what he was meant to do with his life. He explained that it would be hard on his wife and kids because pilots were gone so much. I told him how I totally understood because the life of a journalist was exactly the same way. I remember saying "yeah, we're gonna be in the same boat. You'll have to take off to fly on a moment's notice and I'll have to take off for whatever story I am covering in just as big of a hurry. " We joked that maybe we'd see each other behind the battle lines someday in some war torn country. I told him that if he tried to hog the spotlight like he did during the "save our teachers" rally in high school that I wouldn't be so nice about it next time. He laughed. What neither of us said although both of us were thinking is that we couldn't be more poorly matched if we tried. I remember thinking, this guy who was so intent on flying F-16s would not be content making PB & Js while tending my children as I chased down a hot lead about some dirty politician. And he has told me that even though I was talking about a life that would not gel with what he wanted, that he knew he wanted me in his life and he began for the first time to understand that a partnership was built brick by brick. It could be worth it but it wasn't going to be easy. So we hid out in my hotel room and just snuggled and talked and tried our best to paste supportive grins on our faces when the other one expressed dreams that didn't fit into our own one little bit.

Sunday, we went to church. It would be my first Sunday service in a Mormon church. I was so not looking forward to it but went out of respect for Mike's parents and because of not wanting to waste a second with Mike. I will never forget him sliding into the pew next to me and holding my hand. I leaned over and said "I really like your parents. I knew I liked your Mom already but it's been nice getting to know your Dad. He's funny." He leaned over said these exact words. (It's one of those memories I mentioned that seems too brightly lit and in slow motion) He said, "yeah, my Dad said he thinks you're a just a great girl. One of the best he's ever met. He just reminded me that you aren't a member of our church so to remember not to marry you." I felt my face flush with embarrassment. Mike realized he had just stuck his gigantic foot in his gigantic mouth and had hurt my feelings. He squeezed my hand and chuckled nervously. And then he said "I'd marry you tomorrow Amy, Mormon or not if the Air Force would let me. " I pasted the smile back on my face because I knew he meant it but I knew he could afford to mean it because it wasn't even in the realm of possibility. "Good thing for your Dad then that the Air Force has rules against married cadets..." har har har.

Just then, the Bishop welcomed everyone out to church and the service began. I was so grateful for the distraction because nobody would notice the tears that had welled up in my eyes. I knew that tomorrow would be our last day together. I knew I would not be coming back to the Academy to visit Mike as a cadet ever again. I knew I would not marry a fighter pilot. I knew Mike would not marry a journalist. I knew he would not marry anyone who wasn't Mormon. This was never going to work. And in that chapel, surrounded by parents I wanted so desperately to want me and this boy who I so loved, I let silent tears fall for what might have been. Our romance was over before it really started. And my heart was broken.

This chapter is dedicated to Alison Krum, Kori Smart, Amber Meeker, Amelia Snelling, Shannon Hale and Marie Chesley who encouraged me to continue with this story when I really was afraid to go on because the next part is sad and scary to write. Thanks for sticking with me girls. I'm glad now that I have made the decision to go on.