Chapter 3: The Odyssey of Heart of Darkness

Fall, 1988.
I stood outside our brand new principal Mr. Skeen's office in my Limited Express button fly acid wash jeans and my Black angora sweater with a floral scarf tied just right around my shoulders making a perfect triangle down my back. My penny loafers were all shined up and my new Liz Claiborne purse was filled with "Extra" green gum, a purple pen, purple and pink eyeshadow, pink lip gloss, a banana clip, Salon Selectives hairspray and these new maxi pads called "Always". Mr. Woodbury was cussing at the ditto machine as I waited for the principal. I needed a favor.

I was Student Body President, Editor of the Antlerette, the speech team darling and pretty full of my 17 year old self. My new boyfriend had 3rd period AP English. I had 1st period AP English. And this just wouldn't do. I needed to switch. But the semester was already in full swing. In fact, it was the end of October and nobody got to switch classes this late in the game. But I wasn't nobody. At least not to me. Our student body council ruled the school and controlled more than a bunch of kids ever should. And this new principal, Ed Skeen, really wanted to be a (air quotes) "friend to the students". He wanted to prove he was a cool guy. I think he blew his chances when he brought his wife to our first pep rally of the year sporting a porcelain heart button staying "I "heart" Ed". I sort of lost respect for this guy at that point. But he wanted to prove he was on the students side and I was their elected leader and I needed to switch classes so there I stood, blowing bright green minty bubbles, waiting for Ed to get off the phone and call me inside.

Transferring to 3rd period AP English was a piece of cake. Ed really sucked up my story about needing a lighter class 1st period so I could prepare for Student Government 2nd period and serve the school more efficiently. "Mr. Skeen, I just feel that I would have more to give the students if I didn't have to think so hard so early in the morning.", I said with my best speech tournament voice. (I didn't really say this exactly, but it was probably something that stupid so that will suffice for our purposes) Ed bought it hook, line and sinker and off I went feeling very super rad about myself. You'll come to learn in future chapters that Ed was no "friend of the students" but was, in reality, an evil facist that had to be overthrown.

So, on my first day of Mrs. Santora's 3rd PERIOD English class, I walked in to friendly faces and my great senior year boyfriend Kelly, who had kicked out whoever had previously sat in the desk next to him. I remember being in the middle of Kelly on one side and Janina Tollenaar who was on student council with me on the other. Behind her, was some guy I vaguely recognized from school. Oh yeah, it was that Mike Meeker kid. Whatever...as long as Kelly and Janina were sitting by me it should be a pretty fun year.

And it was. Mrs. Santora was a great English teacher. She had us do all sorts of fun projects. When we read the Odyssey she had us write our own Odyssey story about ourselves, using greek mythology and in 100% iambic pentameter or whatever that poem style that Homer used was. It was fun and I thought mine was awesome and would be the best. But then Mike Meeker got up to read his. Not only did his RHYME, (which to 17 yr old girls is the gold standard on which all poetry is judged) but it was a RAP. Being a future English Major and somewhat of a literature nerd, I thought this was the coolest thing ever. I thought that Homer would love it and I know I did. Then, it came time for us to venture into the Congo, while reading Heart of Darkness. Now, please undertand, I love literature. But I can't tell you how much I hated Heart of Darkness. It was awful. It seemed like everyone in the class loved the blood and gutts and all the light/dark/evil/good/cannibal/noncanibal symbollism that this book is known for. It just gave me a headache. And while we were studying it, I could always count on the kid behind Janina, Mike Meeker, to make some sarcastic remark about symbollism under his breath or laugh at totally inappropriate times while we were discussing the book. This was always funny but shocking at the same time because Mike Meeker was the ultimate "school boy". You know that label you gave straight A, boyscout types who never turned in their homework late and actually pumped their fist in celebration when a pop quiz was announced. So first the Odyssey RAP, then the sarcastic cool Heart of Darkness comments. Then, he decided he didn't like sitting in his desk and he moved over to the wall on the side of the classroom, sat in a chair and tipped it back on two legs for a lot of the year. Just because he felt like it. And even though Mrs. Santora required all of our work to be completed in pen, he refused to do it. He liked his pencil. Sure it was a mechanical pencil that he kept in his vinyl Members Only jacket's inside pocket, but I thought it was funny and possibly COOL. So before I knew it, Mike Meeker and I were joking around in class and Janina, Kelly, Mike and I became a foursome of friends who sat together, did projects together and laughed together. I adopted Mike into our little group. He earned his way in with his rapping, joke making, chair tipping, pencil rebellion shenanigans.

Little did I know, this was the beginning of the end for Kelly and me and the start of the rest of my life.

Chapter 2 - Mike Meeker The Geeker Seeker

After the condom in my book incident of 1984, I decided that I most definitely was not and never would be a girl who liked Mike Meeker. I came home that evening, outraged that the public school system would allow something that humiliating to happen to a young impressionable girl like myself. My parents, as usual, gave no comfort but got a big kick out of the story and told me to "suck it up" (famous words of my parents which will be said at all times when I experience mortification, exhaustion, bad grades, heartbreak etc.) My mom asked again who was the boy that laughed so hard? "It was that creepy Mike Meeker... he's such a nerd (or geek, or spaz, or dweeb...I don't remember what I said but I'm sure it was something eloquent like that). All I remember her saying is..."Mike Meeker, he's really smart right?" Yes, I thought, he is smart Mom, but that is beside the point, he is the boy who laughed at my humiliation and fell out of his chair, how about a little female solidarity? "You know Amy," my mom continued oblivious to my desire for her to rag on Mike Meeker, "those boys you think are nerds, they're the ones who grow up and make the best husbands. They have good jobs and they are usually really nice." My reply was "Eeeeeewwwwww MMMOOOMMM. That is sooooooooo gross, like gag me with a pitchfork fer sure. There's no way anybody I know ever will date Mike Meeker. That's like so lame." And with that I probably flitted my way off to my room to call Gretchen and tell her the story for like the 10th time, wait for her to stop laughing and then to give me total chick support. That's the great thing about girlfriends. They'll always trash some guy that makes fun of you in Science class.

A few mornings later, I was walking to school with Jenny and Stephanie. We thought we were pretty cool. Well, they were cool. They were tough girls who in my opinion "ruled the school" with their coolness, ability to curse, experience with boys and knowledge of things a sheltered only child just didn't know yet. I was just happy to be included walking to school with them. I think I sort of strutted on these walks as if I could soak up their coolness by being in their feathered hair, tight jeans with zippers on the ankles, Flashdance off the shoulder sweatshirt wearing presence. Up ahead of us there was a small boy also walking to school. He was loaded down with books, in dark denim (NOT cool) pants that were ironed and too short for him so his white tube socks showed out from beneath. He had a gigantic yellow Goody comb with a big handle stuck in his back pocket. I think I said "hey, get a load of Highwater...", a little too loudly and they boy turned around. It was that pesky Mike Meeker. He didn't say anything rude or laugh... but in MY mind I knew that in HIS mind, he was thinking about how he had the crowning achievement in my mortification. I said to my friends something like, "ugh, it's Mike Meeker, I don't like that kid." So Stephanie, in all her quick wit and tough girl manner said really loudly "hey Mike Meeker, you Geeker Seeker". Jenny and I laughed really hard. We thought this was the funniest thing ever. Stephanie, egged on by our laughter, kept yelling loudly "MIKE MEEKER THE GEEKER SEEKER....HEY GEEKER SEEKER!...MEEKER GEEKER." You get the idea, she was taunting him. Just then, the most profound thing happened. As he looked back at us strutting behind him and giving high fives, and his eyes locked on mine for just a moment. In them, I saw the same look that had been in my own eyes during Science class. His eyes pleaded for this to stop, for something to happen that would make this girl shut up and go away. He was scared, embarrassed and mad all at the same time. It was EXACTLY how I felt. Instead of feeling vindicated that he finally got what was coming to him, I remember feeling just awful. I stopped laughing and Jenny and Stephanie carried on for a few more moments and then let it drop. I walked the rest of the way to school hiding my face from my two friends because I didn't want them to see the tears streaming down it. I didn't talk (very rare for me) because I knew my voice would be shaky. I felt such awfulness for making Mike feel badly and made fun of. I knew at that moment when our eyes locked and held that this boy was not the villain and I was not the victim. We were THE SAME. I knew right then that taunting him was horrible and was causing another person the same pain that I had experienced just days before. Maybe on some level, my soul recognized Mike's soul and my 13 year old self knew on some level that this person's soul was precious to me. I don't know why I stopped laughing except that it wasn't funny all of a sudden and it made me feel like crap. It would be the first of many connections Mike and I would share...just none of these future connections would take place for a very long time.

I wouldn't cross paths again with Mike on any real level for almost 5 more years. We were classmates, coexisting in different social circles, in different classes, who knew of each other, but did not say "hi" when we passed in the hall, did not know that we would wed in bliss, only to barely make it through our second year of marriage. We didn't know we would grieve the loss of family members, the loss of pregnancies, the loss of innocence together. We didn't know that our lives would intersect in the most emotionally intimate of ways. I just went on with my life, cluelessly applying more layers of lip gloss, dating, falling in love for the first time, playing sports, going to parties, rarely studying for classes and basically being in my self absorbed little cocoon not knowing this boy passing me in the halls would one day become my everything.