The time had finally come for Mike to leave for summer basic training at the Air Force Academy and I was no closer to a decision. We didn't see each other much after graduation. He went to Southern California for vacation and I was busy with work, parties, trips and my boyfriend. Remember him Amy? Do ya? Well things were going well and when things are good and I'm trying to get a tan I tend not to change things around a lot in my life. So Mike was leaving. And he wouldn't even get a break to VISIT for six months. But six months was nothing compared with the truth of the matter. He was really leaving for six years. 4 years of college. 2 years for a mission. The Academy has a rule that all cadets must be single and live on campus. It's not like I was going to transfer to the Academy and Mike was bound to stay there. So six years first, then he'd go to wherever in the world the Air Force sent him. Let's face it, he was really leaving for forever. I was distraught but obviously not enough to commit to a long distance relationship and declare myself officially broken up with Kelly and devoted to Mike. He (Mike) didn't push me either. I think he was just as conflicted as me. It didn't make sense to start anything up when we would just have loneliness and heartbreak for a moment in the sun.
So I called him the day before he was to leave and asked if I could stop by. Get ready to control your gag reflex...I had made him a mixed tape that I wanted him to have for the plane. Gross I know. It had all sorts of 80's songs on it about not being able fight feelings and hard habits to break and when I see you smile and I'm going to stop now because I am feeling slightly humiliated that I made a mixed tape of 80's love songs for a boy leaving for college. I am sure I'm not the only person to ever do but it just creeps me out that I made a mixed tape, 90 minutes of power ballads and 80's rock. I put the mixed tape into an envelope with a letter written on flower stationary with my favorite hot pink smelly pen. In it, I told Mike that he had made me feel special and worth something and that I would never forget that. I told him how much I admired him and respected him for going after his dream. I made some dumb flying high analogy that went on and on because he wanted to be a pilot. I expressed my confidence that he would do great in his life and that I wished nothing but the best for him. This letter was my closure letter. Get in, give it to him and walk away, don't look back. So I told him I had something for him to do on the plane and could I stop by? He answered the door. Now remember, there were 5 children, two parents and a grandmother living in this house along with Mike. I have no idea what he said or did to get rid of everyone but we were all alone in that house that day. I now know we were probably not alone, but it sure sounded like it. We sat in the front living room and I gave him the letter and tape. He asked if he could open it. I said yes but please don't read the letter until the wheels of your plane are up. He agreed. He saw it was a tape and asked if he could pop it in the cassette player? "Now?" I asked. "yeah, I just want to hear it." He had some sort of sparkle in his eyes that was making me uneasy. "It's more of a listen to on the plane in your walkman sort of tape." I responded. "Aim, I just want to have some music on while we talk." ugh. "Okay, I guess that's okay." Now I would be horrified that I would have to look at his face while love songs played in the background. Love songs I picked out. For him. On a mixed tape. MY mixed tape. How embarrassing. I could not look at him. This was a bad idea. My hands were sweating. Oh Crap, the first song is starting.
Just then REO Speedwagon started singing I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer and I prayed for a hole to open right there in the living room and suck me into it. Then I saw a hand out of the corner of my eye. My head shot up. "I didn't get to dance with you once this year. Can we just have one dance before I leave?" That did it. It never even crossed my mind that we were in his living room and that 8 other people were probably at home and could walk in any moment or that this was so corny it was like a bad 80's movie. I was overflowing with joy and butterflies and love at that moment. We danced one song. My hand in his like they used to dance in the olden days. We weren't plastered together. There was no lip or hip action or any wonky stuff. This moment was 100% G Rated, 100% innocent and one of my favorite memories to this day. The song ended, we looked in each others eyes, he gave my hand a little squeeze and then released me, walked over to the cassette player and stopped the tape. I stood in the middle of the room, speechless for the first time in my life. "Thanks for the tape. I think it's pretty cool you did that for me." My heart was on the floor. It hit me like a ton of bricks. He was REALLY leaving. I had wasted all this time trying to get a tan and figure stuff out and now it's too late. He's leaving and I blew it.
I swear this next part happened exactly like this. I still stood in the middle of the floor where we had danced and this realization that he was leaving tomorrow was sweeping over me. My eyes filled with tears but did not overflow. I could not talk I just looked at him with eyes full and wet. His voice was shaky and tortured "Oh Aim, please don't cry." Two tears spilled over and ran down my cheeks. He walked right to me. I thought for sure he was going to kiss me and I was going to let him and I was going to kiss him right back. Instead, he just brushed both my tears with his thumbs and said "I will miss you. I love you. Know that, always be sure of that. You'll figure it all out eventually and it will be OK. You just need to look over your shoulder and I'll be right there, always. And you'll know what to do next." (Background, Mike was my math tutor in the Fall of senior year. I had Trig and I was getting a D. If my grade didn't come up, student council would be in jeopardy. So I hired Mike to get my grade up. He would come over to my house and teach me Math. He'd stand just behind me as I worked out problems on my own and when I'd get stuck, I'd look over my shoulder and he'd help me out. When I'd get nervous before a test he'd always tell me "It's just like we practiced. And if you get stuck, just imagine looking over your shoulder and I'm there and you'll know what to do next.) I threw my arms around him in a tight hug that he returned and we stood there for a long time. I had tears streaming down my face. Finally, I said "I don't want to let go." And he said "Then don't." But I finally did and I stepped back. All of a sudden, I had to get out of there. It was hot and my head was spinning and my heart felt like it was shattering in a million pieces. I turned around, stuck my sunglasses on. I opened the door and started to walk out but stopped. I was not going to let the last time he saw me be full of tears and regret. I turned around and with a big huge smile on my face I raised my hand up for a high five. He slapped our hands together then held on to my hand giving it a squeeze. "See ya Meeker. Do great, go get em." His eyes now were watery, "See ya Aim. And Thanks."
As I walked away, down his path and got into my car I didn't look back. My tears were dry. I realized that I owed Mike Meeker a lot and at that moment I was so glad he had come into my life. I knew he was thanking me for making him feel good about himself and letting him know he was worth something because it's exactly how I felt about him. I realized that we were walking away more thankful than sad and that I would never forget this kind, smart boy who had taught me a lot about what I REALLY wanted out of life. And it wasn't some life lived out of a suitcase covering stories all over the world for the New York Times. I knew in that instant that I didn't want to live life on the road going 100MPH and having to say good-bye over and over again to the people I loved. I wanted a friend, a partner. I knew in that moment I would not be happy unless I had someone to share my life with. I was not a lone wolf. I could not just move away and leave my family, my friends, in the dust. Just as Mike knew he needed to leave to discover who he wanted to become, I knew in that moment, I needed to stay home. I wasn't going to go away to college. I was staying right here.
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